Misconceptions of Bisexuality
With harmful stereotypes upon bisexuality in society and media so rife, Ciaran Picker asserts the legitimacy of bisexual identity.
Ciaran Picker
3 December 2020
3 December 2020
“I have no issue with gay people, it’s just those who can’t make up their minds that I have trouble with”.
This is a sentence that my best-friend’s mum said at Christmas two years ago. It was never meant to cause offence, it was just a throwaway comment, one she’s almost certainly forgotten about now.
On its own it doesn’t seem like that big a deal, right? But it’s not just the odd comment here and there. It is a constant stream of digs from everyday people towards bisexuals that go unnoticed and unaddressed. Misconceptions around bisexuality are commonplace but underground. They are everywhere and nowhere. They are highly damaging yet also ignored.
A 2017 American study found that “Bisexual people face double discrimination in multiple settings — bisexual people are often invisible, rejected, invalidated, [and] stigmatised in the heterosexual community as well as the traditional LGBTQ communities”. Is it any wonder, therefore, that research led by the HRC discovered that approximately 40% of bisexual people have considered or attempted suicide, compared to just over 25% of gay people? In addition, double the number of bisexual than heterosexual adults have depression, whilst higher rates of binge drinking are also prevalent amongst bi people. The HRC also emphasisies that these numbers are only intensified when that bisexual person is also transgender, a person of colour, or has a disability.
Let’s explore some of the misconceptions that bisexual people face. This is hardly an exhaustive list, just the Greatest Hits:
“It’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it”
Ah yes, the classic bisexual trope! It’s the idea that experimenting with your sexuality is something you have to go through in order to realise you were just playing to a crowd. It’s why so many people are afraid to label themselves as ‘bisexual’ or ‘bicurious’ or whatever else they want to be, because people treat bisexuality as something that doesn’t actually exist. The use of labels does ignore the fluidity of sexuality, for sure, but that is neither here nor there. How do we expect people to feel comfortable enough to accept their own individual sexuality if LGBT+ identities are ridiculed and treated with contempt?
This is a sentence that my best-friend’s mum said at Christmas two years ago. It was never meant to cause offence, it was just a throwaway comment, one she’s almost certainly forgotten about now.
On its own it doesn’t seem like that big a deal, right? But it’s not just the odd comment here and there. It is a constant stream of digs from everyday people towards bisexuals that go unnoticed and unaddressed. Misconceptions around bisexuality are commonplace but underground. They are everywhere and nowhere. They are highly damaging yet also ignored.
A 2017 American study found that “Bisexual people face double discrimination in multiple settings — bisexual people are often invisible, rejected, invalidated, [and] stigmatised in the heterosexual community as well as the traditional LGBTQ communities”. Is it any wonder, therefore, that research led by the HRC discovered that approximately 40% of bisexual people have considered or attempted suicide, compared to just over 25% of gay people? In addition, double the number of bisexual than heterosexual adults have depression, whilst higher rates of binge drinking are also prevalent amongst bi people. The HRC also emphasisies that these numbers are only intensified when that bisexual person is also transgender, a person of colour, or has a disability.
Let’s explore some of the misconceptions that bisexual people face. This is hardly an exhaustive list, just the Greatest Hits:
“It’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it”
Ah yes, the classic bisexual trope! It’s the idea that experimenting with your sexuality is something you have to go through in order to realise you were just playing to a crowd. It’s why so many people are afraid to label themselves as ‘bisexual’ or ‘bicurious’ or whatever else they want to be, because people treat bisexuality as something that doesn’t actually exist. The use of labels does ignore the fluidity of sexuality, for sure, but that is neither here nor there. How do we expect people to feel comfortable enough to accept their own individual sexuality if LGBT+ identities are ridiculed and treated with contempt?
"It is telling that it is often straight women who say they could not date bisexual men, whilst straight men relish and fetishise the idea of dating bisexual women; entrenched ideas about masculinity and pornographic ideas of threesomes certainly feed into this."
“So, you’re gay then?”
I’m just going to say this once, THE SEX OF YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT DETERMINE YOUR SEXUALITY. You may be in a heterosexual couple, a homosexual couple, a throuple, it doesn’t matter – only bisexual people have the right to tell people what their sexuality is. Bisexual people may ultimately end up in a long-term heterosexual relationship, and they may therefore not partake in homosexual acts or pride events or whatever else you think is a marker of ‘gayness’- but they are still bisexual.
Linked to that is the idea that bisexuality is a stepping-stone to homosexuality. There is no doubting that for some people it is – and who are we to mock them for it? Not everyone had the perfect liberal upbringing, with a family that would accept you no matter who you’re attracted to or how you identify. For the most part, however, people come out as bisexual because (and this may come as a shock) they are bisexual. That’s it. Finito. Finished. Now stop trying to bait them into coming out as someone that they aren’t.
“But what if you change your mind?”
This is one that bisexual people mainly hear in relationships, and it comes from a lack of education in the topic. It’s not anyone’s fault, it is simply the product of years of bi-erasure in the media – when was the last time you saw a bisexual character in TV or film who wasn’t sex-obsessed or struggling to find a settled relationship? The assumption is that one day a bisexual person will wake up and decide that they are attracted to men, and then break up with their girlfriend of 5 years. Often, bisexual people (used here as an umbrella term to include pansexuality too, by the way) are attracted to personality, to energy, to the actual person, not the gender of said person. And actually, studies have shown that women who have dated bisexual men have had more open, equal, and sexually fulfilling relationships than they did with straight men.
Some people simply aren’t comfortable with dating bisexual people. Now, in the case of a simple lack of attraction to said person, it is nothing to feel bad about. However, when the idea of dating someone bisexual beomes uncomfortable you can be pretty sure this discomfort is rooted in biphobia. It is telling that it is often straight women who say they could not date bisexual men, whilst straight men relish and fetishise the idea of dating bisexual women; entrenched ideas about masculinity and pornographic ideas of threesomes certainly feed into this.
“You’re not bi, you just like sex”
Oh no! They’ve caught us! You’re right, we’re all just sex addicts and will sleep with whoever we see first!
Firstly, what’s wrong with liking sex? Some people do, some people don’t, but so what? Why do you care?
Secondly, even if that is the case, it nonetheless shows that there is sexual attraction to more than one gender. That’s what bisexuality is, dude, look it up. Given the repulsion that straight people feel when they think about gay sex, and vice versa, you’d think that they would understand that there has to be a level of attraction there before you sleep with someone.
As I say, it isn’t an exhaustive list. But it is long enough to give an insight into why bisexual people feel unable to come out, and that’s without looking into physical assault and abandonment due to sexual identity.
Our society has become polarised in many ways, especially regarding sexuality. We need more diverse sexual education in schools, better representation in the media, and a simple acceptance that people are different before we can begin to smash down these stereotypes. Let’s be the generation that sees positive change. Dialogue is the only way to get through it, so reach out to your bi friends and talk about it - we don’t bite! Well, unless you want us to. . .
I’m just going to say this once, THE SEX OF YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT DETERMINE YOUR SEXUALITY. You may be in a heterosexual couple, a homosexual couple, a throuple, it doesn’t matter – only bisexual people have the right to tell people what their sexuality is. Bisexual people may ultimately end up in a long-term heterosexual relationship, and they may therefore not partake in homosexual acts or pride events or whatever else you think is a marker of ‘gayness’- but they are still bisexual.
Linked to that is the idea that bisexuality is a stepping-stone to homosexuality. There is no doubting that for some people it is – and who are we to mock them for it? Not everyone had the perfect liberal upbringing, with a family that would accept you no matter who you’re attracted to or how you identify. For the most part, however, people come out as bisexual because (and this may come as a shock) they are bisexual. That’s it. Finito. Finished. Now stop trying to bait them into coming out as someone that they aren’t.
“But what if you change your mind?”
This is one that bisexual people mainly hear in relationships, and it comes from a lack of education in the topic. It’s not anyone’s fault, it is simply the product of years of bi-erasure in the media – when was the last time you saw a bisexual character in TV or film who wasn’t sex-obsessed or struggling to find a settled relationship? The assumption is that one day a bisexual person will wake up and decide that they are attracted to men, and then break up with their girlfriend of 5 years. Often, bisexual people (used here as an umbrella term to include pansexuality too, by the way) are attracted to personality, to energy, to the actual person, not the gender of said person. And actually, studies have shown that women who have dated bisexual men have had more open, equal, and sexually fulfilling relationships than they did with straight men.
Some people simply aren’t comfortable with dating bisexual people. Now, in the case of a simple lack of attraction to said person, it is nothing to feel bad about. However, when the idea of dating someone bisexual beomes uncomfortable you can be pretty sure this discomfort is rooted in biphobia. It is telling that it is often straight women who say they could not date bisexual men, whilst straight men relish and fetishise the idea of dating bisexual women; entrenched ideas about masculinity and pornographic ideas of threesomes certainly feed into this.
“You’re not bi, you just like sex”
Oh no! They’ve caught us! You’re right, we’re all just sex addicts and will sleep with whoever we see first!
Firstly, what’s wrong with liking sex? Some people do, some people don’t, but so what? Why do you care?
Secondly, even if that is the case, it nonetheless shows that there is sexual attraction to more than one gender. That’s what bisexuality is, dude, look it up. Given the repulsion that straight people feel when they think about gay sex, and vice versa, you’d think that they would understand that there has to be a level of attraction there before you sleep with someone.
As I say, it isn’t an exhaustive list. But it is long enough to give an insight into why bisexual people feel unable to come out, and that’s without looking into physical assault and abandonment due to sexual identity.
Our society has become polarised in many ways, especially regarding sexuality. We need more diverse sexual education in schools, better representation in the media, and a simple acceptance that people are different before we can begin to smash down these stereotypes. Let’s be the generation that sees positive change. Dialogue is the only way to get through it, so reach out to your bi friends and talk about it - we don’t bite! Well, unless you want us to. . .